


Growing Up is Just a Phase

by Shlomo



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-21
Updated: 2013-09-21
Packaged: 2017-12-27 06:23:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/975491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shlomo/pseuds/Shlomo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Tina and Louise go to the "Boyz 4 Now" concert and Louise gets her first crush, Tina, being Tina, writes in her diary about it. And her mother Linda, being Linda, reads it. This is the resulting parenting that ensues.</p><p>This was written for a prompt in the LJ community the deep blue sea. The prompt was make something inspired by any one episode of a television show -- this is based on the show "Boyz 4 Now."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Growing Up is Just a Phase

“Bob!” Linda Belcher barged into her bedroom, where her husband, Bob was pulling on a white T-shirt.

“What?” he asked, glancing over. “What’s wrong?”

“Look at what’s in Tina’s diary! Oh, this is so exciting!”

“Lin, you’ve got to stop reading her diary.” Bob said heavily, now searching for his socks in his dresser.

“I need to make sure she’s not on drugs or having sex. Bobby, I’ve told you this.” Linda said, sitting down on the bed and opening the diary excitedly.

“I think it’s pretty clear that she’s not doing either of those things,” Bob said. “Yesterday she asked me if it was possible if she could give herself a hickey.”

“What did you say?” 

“I asked her why she wanted to give herself a hickey.” Bob said, sitting down on the bed next to Linda. “She wanted to make herself seem like what she called a “Femme Fatale” to get Jimmy Jr. to notice her.”

“Aw, that’s my little schemer. Did you tell her she could use the hose extension on the vacuum cleaner?”

“What?” Bob asked. “No, I didn’t tell her that…”

“Never mind, it’s not important, but look at this. Look at Tina’s diary.”

“Lin, have you ever given yourself a hickey with a vacuum cleaner?” Bob demanded. Linda ignored him.  
Clearing her throat, she opened the diary and began to read.

 _”Dear Diary,_ ,” she read out loud.

“We should not be reading this,” Bob said, while putting on his socks.

 _Today was a really exciting day_ Linda continued, ignoring her husband. _I helped Louise with her first crush._

“Wait, WHAT?” Bob said, looking up from his socks. “She can’t have a crush. She’s nine, not sixteen.”

“You had your first crush at sixteen?” Linda asked.

“Yeah, isn’t that the normal age to have your first crush?” Bob asked confusedly. 

“Not really, Bobby. Listen, I love hearing about your sad childhood, but right now we have to keep on track,” Linda said, looking back down at the diary.

“My childhood wasn’t sad—“ Bob started.

“ _We went to the Boyz 4 Now Concert. My aunt Gail was supposed to take it but then she couldn’t so we went with Zeke’s scary older cousin in his car._ ”

“WHAT?” Bob asked loudly, sounding alarmed.

“We haven’t even gotten to the best part yet, calm down,” Linda said, continuing to read. “ _Louise originally didn’t want to stay, but then she got a crush on Boo-Boo, the youngest member of the band--_ ”

“Louise has a crush on a boy named Boo-Boo?” Bob interjected, sounding disgusted. “Also, are we just skipping over the part where they went to a concert unsupervised with Zeke’s scary older cousin?”

“ _Louise has never had a crush before. She had it bad. She wanted to slap Boo-Boo really bad. We snuck on their tour bus and then Louise slapped Boo-Boo. She sure has some gumption. When she starts getting crushes on the boys at school, she sure will be a heart-breaker. A slapping heart-breaker. Also, I had a dream where the members of Boyz 4 Now were zombies. It was awesome._ ”

Linda beamed at Bob.

“Our little baby is growing up! Getting crushes, slapping boys! So exciting.”

“What? She went to a concert, alone –“

“She wasn’t alone. Tina was there.”

“—Alone. With an older boy. And slapped a celebrity. Why are you excited about this?”

“Because,” Linda said, “she’s growing up! I’m going to take her to get a manicure. My little girl deserves a big girl treat.” 

“OK, sounds good,” Bob said. “And while you’re doing that, I’ll talk to Tina about not going places with strange older men. Also, I’ll run the restaurant. Alone.”

“Good, sounds great!” Linda cried, standing up and excitedly walking down the stairs. Bob sighed.

-

“Why are we getting manicures?” Louise asked her mother suspiciously, walking down the street. 

“Because, honey, we should do more things together. Mother-daughter bonding time!”

“Can’t you mother-daughter bond with Tina? She could use it,” Louise mumbled. “She recently saw Jimmy Jr. trying out a new dance move down at the beach and can’t even shut up about it.”

“No, it’s time for us to do something together. Come on, manicures will be fun. You can get any color you want!” Linda said, steering Louise into the nail salon. 

“Oooo… really?” Louise said sarcastically. “You’re not making me get a horrible girly color like pink for this disgustingly gendered outing?” 

“Come on, your ears are pink, you like those.”

“Ears don’t have a gendered expectation, Mom. Read a book,” Louise grumbled, as Linda marched up to the manicure counter.

“My daughter and I would like some mother-daughter manicures!” Linda cried happily.

“So… two manicures?” The woman behind the desk asked, looking suspiciously at Louise. “Aren’t you the little girl who came in here three months ago and tried to pay with carnival tickets?”

“What?” Linda asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Louise said quickly, changing the subject. “Manicures! Yeah! This will be GREAT! I want the darkest black you have.”

“All right…” the manicurist said suspiciously, leading Linda and Louise towards two adjacent manicure stations.

\--

Meanwhile, at the restaurant…

Tina was busily trying to tap out the theme to “Cups – You’ll Miss We When I’m Gone” when Bob decided it was time to lecture her.

“All right. Mean father. You can do this,” Bob said to himself, walking out of the back of the restaurant. 

“What… what are you doing?” Bob asked Tina, who accidentally knocked the cup off the counter and onto the floor. 

“Uhh…” Tina groaned, picking the cup off the floor and softly putting it back on the counter. “I’m trying to tap out my feelings onto this cup. When I’m leave Jimmy Jr. forever I’m going to drink whiskey and then Jimmy Jr. will miss my hair.”

“What?” Bob asked. “No whiskey.”

“OK it’ll be apple juice, but that won’t fit into the song so I’ll just sing whiskey instead,” Tina said, beginning to tap the cup again.

“Tina.” Bob said, staring at her. “Stop… stop doing that.” 

Tina looked up at her father. “What’s wrong, Dad?”

“Tina…” Bob started. “You know it’s unsafe to go places with strange older boys, right?” A slight twitch below his left eye began to twitch. “You know what could happen?”

“Uh… they could… steal my backpack?” 

“No! Tina, they could kidnap you! Or worst, molest you.” Bob paused for a moment. “You can’t… you just can’t go off with people you don’t know.”

“Oh… okay…” Tina said. “I guess I’ll keep that in mind anytime a random stranger asks me to accompany him anywhere.”

“Tina, your mother read your diary.” Bob said flatly. “You went to that concert with someone you described as “Zeke’s creepy older cousin.” 

“You read my diary?” Tina asked, sounding alarmed.

“Tina, we always read your diary,” Gene said, wandering into the restaurant and sitting down on a barstool next to Tina. “You should not be surprised anymore.”

“Yeah, Tina, you… probably should not be surprised anymore,” Bob said.

“I always believe you when you say you’ve reformed.” Tina said sadly. “Damn my trusting nature.”

“Yes, that’s right, Tina. You can’t just be so trusting like that all the time. Something bad could have happened with Zeke’s cousin.” Bob said angrily.

“But Tammy told me that me I’m not pretty enough to be molested,” Tina said simply. 

Bob stared at his daughter.

“Ugh, dramatic after-school special much?” Gene said, rolling his eyes. “Am I right?” 

“Gene, shut up.” Bob said. “Go take out the trash.” 

“But it’s not even overflowing yet!” Gene protested. 

“Now!” 

Gene shuffled off, muttering “I think I’m too ugly to get molested too, and I still have to take out the trash.” 

“Oh my God,” Bob said in response to his son’s mutterings, closing his eyes tightly. He sighed deeply. “Tina, first of all, anyone can get molested or kidnapped.”

Tina stared at him.

“Also, Tammy is mean. You should… not hang out with her.” Bob continued.

“But she’s my frenemy. I need one in order to make my life more like a romantic comedy movie.”

“Tina… also, you’re… you know, pretty,” Bob said uncomfortably. 

“Really?” Tina asked. 

“Yeah…” Bob said. “I mean… those glasses are in style now, right? You have nice… you know, hair… OK, so you’re maybe going through an awkward phase right now, but that doesn’t mean – Oh, I didn’t mean that,” Bob said, sounding alarmed.

“You think this a just a _phase_?” Tina said incredulously. 

“Uh… is this… is this a trick question?” Bob asked. 

“No!” Tina said, hugging her father tightly. “I thought I would always feel as awkward as I do. But if it’s just a phase maybe I’ll become the strong, sensuous woman I know I was meant to be!”

“Tina, _please_ do not call yourself sensuous in front of me.” Bob said, closing his eyes.

Gene wandered back in. “What did I miss? Still talking about how awkward Tina is?”

“It’s okay, it’s just phase!” Tina cried.

\--

And at the nail salon…

“Louise, do you have something you want to tell Mommy?” Linda asked in a sing-song voice to Louise, as the manicurist carefully painted Louise’s thumbnail black. 

“Well, this isn’t as terrible as I thought it would be, if that’s what you mean,” Louise said flatly.

“No, that’s not what I mean… I mean… have you been feeling any new emotions lately?” 

“Uh… is this about the packet of Red Vines I quote-unquote stole?” Louise asked suspiciously.

“You stole some Red Vines?” Linda said angrily. “Honey, why would you do that?”

“I didn’t!” Louise cried. “Hah-hah! Don’t you know what ‘quote-unquote’ even _means_?”

“OK, honey, but stealing is always wrong.” Linda said.

“What if you and Dad died and I had to steal bread to feed Tina and Gene?” Louise asked.

“Tina and Gene can steal their own bread. I mean about getting a crush at a boy at the concert!” Linda exclaimed. “Don’t you want to  
talk about it? Your first crush!”

Louise silently stared at her mother. 

“How did you learn about that?” Louise whispered, sounding deadly serious. The manicurist who had now moved onto Louise’s pinky nail gave Linda an alarmed look. “Did Tina squeal?”

“No-no, honey,” Linda said, laughing slightly, “A mother can just tell.”

“Was it in Tina’s diary?” Louise demanded. 

“….Yes….” Linda admitted, after a pause.

“That IDIOT! I keep telling her to get a decoy diary and not write anything about me in it!” Louise cried. 

“Don’t call your sister an idiot!” Linda said crossly. A moment later, she added, smiling, “And it’s a good thing she didn’t, because now I know my little girl is almost a grown-up lady.”

“I’m not talking to you about this,” Louise said sullenly, although Linda noticed that a small blush was creeping up her cheeks.

“OK,” Linda said, sighing. “Just enjoy the rest of your manicure.” 

For a few minutes, there was silence between Linda and Louise. 

“I don’t want to become all gross and swarmy like Tina!” Louise exclaimed suddenly. “Constantly talking about boys and my feelings… that’s… that’s… disgusting!”

“Oh, honey,” Linda responded. “You won’t be just like Tina. You’re completely different people. Besides, Tina always talked about other people and her emotions. Her first word was a ten minute monologue about all the other babies at daycare.” Linda said reflectively. “It was all in a monotone too. It was creepy! I thought she was possessed!”

“Are you sure she’s not?” Louise asked. 

“Stop it, silly,” Linda said. “Tina likes talking about her feelings. You don’t. That won’t change in puberty.”

Louise was silent for a moment.

“So maybe getting older won’t be that terrible,” Louise said reflectively, now examining her painted black nails. 

“No, you’ll be a great teenager!” Linda cried. “Ooo… thank you! Bright red, my favorite!” she continued, looking at her nails. “Let’s hope Daddy likes it, too!”

“I love you, Mom,” Louise said suddenly. 

“Aw… honey,” Linda said. “I love you too!”


End file.
